On how to beat it

Despair. I don’t know what I feel anymore. I used to write in this blog, which all my friends read. I wasn’t really expressing my true emotions because I was sort of writing for an audience. This will be my own blog. I will not care about who read it, I will know I am not judged. It’s one of the worst feelings- being judged for being depressed. Feeling guilty for feeling depressed, which in turn makes you more depressed.
I seemed to have reached a place where I am stuck. I see no way out. I know there is a way out. I am strong and intelligent. I can do this, but I have no clue how. I am hoping that writing in here will help a little. I do a lot of introspection, but probably not the right kind of introspection. I look at others and compare them to myself, I have angry thoughts repeatedly non-stop. I feed my sadness and anger towards the world and others, and I do it consciously. I go over it over and over again, I know it’s hurting me and it makes me angry and sad, but I do it anyway. The way my thought process occurs is not that of a 29 year old person. I feel like I have not learnt the skills to think like a grown up. I blame others for my problems. I feel jealous towards others. I believe what people say to me without questioning it, everything seems black and white. I do not seem to understand the world, my place in it. I feel intimidated by people, constantly scared that they don’t like me, or of saying the wrong things. I think about it a lot and, again, it feed on itself. I become paranoid. I regret most things I say and do, I am full of blame. I feel guilt every day , at every hour.
I must begin to understand that what I am going through, and have been going through all my life is not my fault. This doesn’t mean I don’t have a responsibility, it means it’s not my fault and I don’t deserve this pain. Of course, there are many things I have done in the course of my life which have been wrong. But I must realise that that doesn’t make me a bad person, it’s a characteristic of being a human being. But with depression, it’s not my fault. But it’s not other people’s fault either- not T, not mum…No-one. I must take responsibility- even thought it’s not my fault that I have depression, it is me who is going to have to sort it out. It’s me and no-one else, no matter how much I want others to come and rescuing me from the black hole that is my life.

For example, at the moment I blame Hannah and I hate her so much. I blame her for leaving me to fester in my room, knowing that I am in deep despair. For making me feel uncomfortable at home and for being so selfish. But, is it her duty to help me? No. No matter what she said (that she’d be there for me), still, it was wrong of me to believe that. One thing I have to learn is how to be more independent, learn that I don’t need other people but I stand on my two own feet.